We hope that all small group discussions are lively and enriching, but sometimes tough topics will be discussed. The Conversation Covenant* is an agreement to hold respect and grace toward all participants within a small group, no matter the conversation. Please adhere to the Conversation Covenant, or think about how to create one that fits your context.

I pledge: 

• To act in good faith, with curiosity. I will assume the best about my conversation partners when entering into our groups. I will give the benefit of the doubt, recognizing that they may know something I don’t. 
• To show respect. I will show respect. I will be polite and give due regard for the feelings and traditions of others. I understand that I do not have to agree with someone to show them respect.   
• To speak the truth. I won’t use rhetorical tricks to try to win an argument. I will speak what I genuinely believe is the nuanced truth. 
• To aim to discover the truth. I will not enter into a conversation with the purpose of changing the mind of anyone to my way of thinking. 
• To focus on what we can change. I will focus on what we can do differently in the future since we cannot change what we did in the past.   
• To take responsibility for the conversation. I will take responsibility for the quality of the conversation and the abidance of the rules both in principle and in spirit.   
• To follow the covenant even when others fail to do so. I will abide by the rules regardless of whether another person breaks them.
• To lighten up and approach the conversation in good humor. I recognize that humor is a hallmark of a constructive, generative conversation and take the conversation in good humor.

*Adapted from https://conversational-leadership.net/conversation-covenant/

We’ve all experienced conflict and brokenness in our relationships. Sometimes it’s as simple as someone cutting you off in traffic. Other times, it’s wondering if your friendship will ever recover from a betrayal of trust. We look to Jesus as the ultimate example of reconciliation, and yet, it can be tricky to figure out how his example applies to our specific real-life experience when we are hurt or hurt others in our relationships. Our relationships won’t get the chance for reconciliation if we leave those hurts unaddressed. We can stay stuck in immature versions of these relationships or cut them off altogether. There are tons of ways to become healthier in our lives, but relational health and emotional intelligence can be harder to pin down or know if we are on the right track.

In this five-week study, we’ll take a look at relationships in the Bible that model conflicts we might be experiencing, and engage with sermons, podcasts, additional readings, and spiritual practices as we try to help heal those conflicts.

Jesus’ work on the cross was an act of reconciliation with all of humanity, so as we seek to walk with Jesus, we believe we are called to be agents of reconciliation in the world, too. Jesus’ prayer that the church be unified (John 17) as a witness to the world means that we have to take our relationships seriously! But we are all humans with limits and areas of brokenness- so taking our relationships seriously means learning how to take care of them within our limits. A large part of caring for our relationships is growing in our emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is basically being able to:

• Know what you’re feeling
• Assess your emotions
• Express your emotions without letting them control you

Many Christians have relied on connecting to God through their heads, and cognitively understanding God, or their hands, and concretely serving God. Emotional intelligence asks that we connect to God through our hearts, and see how God might be inviting us to a new reality through our emotions.

Emotions are tricky because our minds are complex, and we can’t always understand the ways they are responding to situations we find ourselves in. Yet, our emotions greatly impact our relationships with God and one another. It’s a work of discipleship to see these emotions more clearly, and allow them to be gifts that help us love God and our neighbors with our whole heart, soul, and mind.

Psychologists have identified four major responses our brains turn to when they run into conflict. They are:

• Fight: facing any perceived threat aggressively
• Flight: running away from the danger
• Freeze: being unable to move or act against a threat
• Fawn: immediately acting to try to please to avoid any conflict

During our study, you will be asked to listen to a sermon examining a conflict represented in the Bible, and then spend time reflecting on your response to different kinds of conflict and your emotions. Then, you’ll read or listen to an additional piece of information to better understand the drivers of these conflicts. Then with your group see if God is offering you any next steps. We pray that you would recognize God’s loving embrace of you, and God’s promise to never leave you or forsake you as you do this work towards growing in your relationships with God and others.

Set a foundational understanding for this series by completing the following:

• LISTEN: Gravity Leadership Podcast, How Attachment Theory Helps Us Live Our Faith (65 min)
• READ: “Invitations from God” Chapter 1: Invitation to participate in my own healing* (30 min)

Listen

Find sermons on Highrock Online's YouTube channel.

Reflect

In this text, we encounter Esau and Jacob, twins born to Isaac and Rebecca. The two represent more than an answer to prayer from a barren couple. They are called “two nations” and continue the Genesis theme of the eldest (Esau) serving the youngest (Jacob). This turn subverts the expected hierarchy of preferential parental treatment of the eldest child. The two brothers compete and jockey for position, favor, and love. Their relationship is one marked by fracture rather than fidelity.

Reflect personally:

Prior to your small group gathering:

• Read Scripture passage (see Scripture & Additional Resources below)
• Complete the Emotion Inventory
• Read True You, Chapter 4: “Competitors or Comrades”*
• Review small group questions for discussion

Relate

Use these questions as a launching point for your small group conversation. Open with a check-in/getting-to-know-you question. Group opener options are available in the Appendix.

• Growing up, was competition encouraged? How so? What were the benefits of winning or the potential consequences of losing?
• Is there a relationship with someone you know that is marked by competition? When did the competition begin? What might be at the root of what you are competing for and why?
• What would the relationship between you look like if you stopped competing? What might it take for you personally to let go of it? Is there an area of security that you might be able to develop in your relationship with God or others?
• Was there anything that God was getting your attention about in the sermon or in the additional resources? Anything that is making you ask new questions?
• Is there an action step you would like the group to hold you accountable for taking?

Pray

Father Lord, teach us the power of a generosity that interrupts the logic of scarcity with the extravagant self-giving of divine love. Amen. May the peace of the Lord Christ go with you: wherever he may send you; may God guide you through the wilderness: protect you through the storm; may God bring you home rejoicing: at the wonders God has shown you; may God bring you home rejoicing: once again into our doors.

Claiborne, Shane; Wilson-Hartgrove, Jonathan; Okoro, Enuma. Common Prayer

Scripture & Additional Resources

Optional Reading

• Deeply Formed Life by Rich Villodas, Chapter 6*

Scripture

• Genesis 25:19-34

Listen

Find sermons on Highrock Online's YouTube channel.

Reflect

In this text, we see that Paul, Mark, and Barnabas all had previous relationships with each other, and also a set way of operating within their different relationships. These expectations from previous interactions led to conflict when there was a disagreement about how the three of them would operate together.

Reflect Personally

Prior to your small group gathering:

• Read Scripture passage (see Scripture & Additional Resources below)
• Complete the Emotion Inventory
• Listen to this podcast from The Non-Anxious Leader, Self-Differentiation
• Review small group questions for discussion

Relate

Use these questions as a launching point for your small group conversation. Open with a check-in/getting-to-know-you question. Group opener options are available in the Appendix.

• What is difficult about being in a relationship with someone who is different from you?
• Share about a relationship in your life where you have disagreed with another person, or had a difference that has created confusion or anxiety about how you are supposed to relate to them.
• Was there anything that God was getting your attention about in the sermon, or in the additional resources? Anything that is making you ask new questions?
• Is there an action step you would like the group to hold you accountable for taking?

Pray

Lord, strengthen our will to heed your commandments. We pray to be found faithful in the smallest things, that you might deem us worthy of more opportunities to serve you. Amen may God guide you through the wilderness: protect you through the storm; may God bring you home rejoicing: at the wonders God has shown you; may God bring you home rejoicing: once again into our doors.

Claiborne, Shane; Wilson-Hartgrove, Jonathan; Okoro, Enuma. Common Prayer

Scripture & Additional Resources

Optional Reading

• Article on Differentiation

Scripture

• Acts 15:36-41

Listen

Find sermons on Highrock Online's YouTube channel.

Reflect

In this text, King David has a long and storied history as ruler. Nathan comes to him, sent by God, with a parable dressed up as a legal case. David listens and is outraged by the injustice he has heard, demanding the wrongdoer be killed. Nathan speaks directly and plainly with the message from God that David is the one who has been found guilty of having plenty yet stealing from his neighbor.

Reflect Personally

Prior to your small group gathering:

• Read Scripture passage (see Scripture & Additional Resources below)
• Complete the Emotion Inventory
• Read Scientific American article on deception
• Review small group questions for discussion

Relate

Use these questions as a launching point for your small group conversation. Open with a check-in/getting-to-know-you question. Group opener options are available in the Appendix.

• Pointing fingers outward can be easier than examining our own shortcomings. Have you ever heard a sermon and only thought about how much someone else needed to hear it?
• Can you think of a time when a bruised ego caused you to lash out or deny your own role in a conflict?
• Who has been like a Nathan to you now or in your past: Someone who can speak honestly to you and whom you trust?
• Was there anything that God was getting your attention about in the sermon, or in the additional resources? Anything that is that is making you ask new questions?
• Is there an action step you would like the group to hold you accountable for taking?

Pray

Lord, your church is such that when one member of the body fails, the whole body suffers. Help us encourage one another in faith so that working together we might become a unified body that goes forth into the world to proclaim good news. Amen. may God guide you through the wilderness: protect you through the storm; may God bring you home rejoicing: at the wonders God has shown you; may God bring you home rejoicing: once again into our doors. 

Claiborne, Shane; Wilson-Hartgrove, Jonathan; Okoro, Enuma. Common Prayer

Scripture & Additional Resources

Optional Reading

• BBC article on self-deception
• Sacred Companions, Chapter 4 “The ideals of spiritual friendships”*

Scripture

• 2 Samuel 12:1-13

Listen

Find sermons on Highrock Online's YouTube channel.

Reflect

In this text, we see that God invites Ananias to seek out a relationship with Saul, who had been murdering followers of Jesus. Ananias has to wrestle with whether or not he will be safe with Saul, and if Saul is worth saving.

Reflect Personally

Prior to your small group gathering:

• Read Scripture passage (see Scripture & Additional Resources below)
• Complete the Emotion Inventory
• Listen to podcast from Kate Bowler and Malcom Gladwell, Can People Change?
• Review small group questions for discussion

Relate

Use these questions as a launching point for your small group conversation. Open with a check-in/getting-to-know-you question. Group opener options are available in the Appendix.

• Can you recount a time in your life where you have changed your mind or behavior about something that was deeply important to you previously?
• What is hard about offering forgiveness, or giving people a second (or third, or fourth) chance to change?
• Why do you think it is easier to focus on changing someone else instead of changing ourselves?
• What boundaries did Ananias have to consider before saying yes to God? Are there boundaries you need to set in order to extend a relationship to someone who has hurt you?
• Was there anything that God was getting your attention about in the sermon, or in the additional resources? Anything that is making you ask new questions? 6. Is there an action step you would like the group to hold you accountable for taking?

Pray

Lord, help us not to shy away from our own transgressions, neither to hold the sins of others against them, but to name sin with confidence that your forgiveness has the power to effect a just reconciliation in our world. Amen. may God guide you through the wilderness: protect you through the storm; may God bring you home rejoicing: at the wonders God has shown you; may God bring you home rejoicing: once again into our doors. 

Claiborne, Shane; Wilson-Hartgrove, Jonathan; Okoro, Enuma. Common Prayer

Scripture & Additional Resources

Optional Reading

• Transformation is More Than a Mind Change, Fr. Richard Rohr
• Breathing Underwater, Fr. Richard Rohr
• Lessons on Interpersonal Accountability, The Wildfire Project
• The End of Memory: Remembering Rightly in a Violent World, Miroslav Volf

Scripture

• Acts 9:10-19

Listen

Find sermons on Highrock Online's YouTube channel.

Reflect

In this text, Jesus is a guest at the home of Mary and Martha. The sisters have two different responses to Jesus’ presence. Martha is so certain that her own choice is best that she asks Jesus to correct Mary for choosing to sit with the disciples when she should be making preparations. However, instead Martha is corrected for her attitude and assumptions. Jesus reframes how we see the choices others have made.Prior to your small group gathering:

• Read Scripture passage (see Scripture & Additional Resources below)
• Complete the Emotion Inventory
• Listen to Podcast: Hidden Brain, Decoding Emotions
• Review small group questions for discussion

Relate

Use these questions as a launching point for your small group conversation. Open with a check-in/getting-to-know-you question. Group opener options are available in the Appendix.

• What role has jealousy played in your relationships? What might be some attitudes, emotions, or actions that indicate you are feeling jealous? Are there places, activities, or people which bring this out in you more than others? 
• What invitation does Jesus give to Martha? What might these words mean to you as you examine your own feelings of comparison or jealousy?
• How can the gap between comparison and curiosity be bridged for relational repair?
• Thinking about the Hidden Brain episode, consider how your cultural norms inform your emotional landscape. How might it impact your percetion of other people’s emotions? If you can relate to having parents/grandparents who immigrated, do you notice a difference in emotional expression or evolution?
• Was there anything that God was getting your attention about in the sermon, or in the additional resources? Anything that is making you ask new questions? 6. Is there an action step you would like the group to hold you accountable for taking?

Pray

Loving God, even in the midst of the world’s pain and sorrow, we can encounter your joy. Show us that such joy comes when we are caught up in works of mercy and find ourselves unable to distinguish between our blessings and those of our brothers and sisters. Amen. may God guide you through the wilderness: protect you through the storm; may God bring you home rejoicing: at the wonders God has shown you; may God bring you home rejoicing: once again into our doors. 

Claiborne, Shane; Wilson-Hartgrove, Jonathan; Okoro, Enuma. Common Prayer

Scripture & Additional Resources

Optional Reading

• What Your Jealous Feelings are Telling You
• Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence

Scripture

• Luke 10:38-42

• Set Boundaries, Find Peace book & workbook by Nedra Glover Tawwab
• Difficult Conversations by Stone, Patton, and Neen

• What was a small win from your week?
• Share a High/Low from your day or week.
• On a scale of 1-10, how are you doing coming into this meeting?
• If you were to describe yourself as a weather forecast today, what would you be? Example: sunny, partly cloudy, rainy with a chance of snow, etc.
• What song would be the theme track for the day you had?

• Allow everyone space to share. It’s ok to ask what people are thinking even if they don’t volunteer to share right away. But always give people the option to decline to share. Example: “Hey, Fred, you’ve been a little quiet and I’m curious to know what you think. Would you like to share anything?”
• Remember there aren’t necessarily “right” answers. Encourage participants to simply be curious about what came up for them or others without the pressure of feeling like they “should” have thought or felt anything in particular. Example: Instead of asking “what is this story supposed to be communicating?” ask “what did you notice?”
• Embrace the differences. Affirm that different people can come to different conclusions regarding the same thing. Example: “It is really interesting that the text reminded Susie of ABC, while it reminded José of XYZ. Both can be present and true.”
• Adapt to suit your group’s needs. Sometimes conversation is free-flowing and sometimes it’s easier to move through discussion questions one at a time. Do what feels right for your group, but don’t feel pressured to answer/discuss every single question.
• Encourage curiosity by modeling curiosity! Asking someone “Tell me more about XYZ” can be a really simple but effective tool to go deeper in conversation.
• Don’t be afraid of silence. It’s natural to want to fill silences or pauses in a conversation. But don’t be afraid to sit in silence with your group members. Sometimes thoughts just need time to percolate, so don’t feel like you have to rush to another question if no one shares immediately. 
• Refer back to the Conversation Covenant. This is the posture that we as Highrock hold as we gather in groups. When the conversation gets tough, you can always refer back to the Conversation Covenant to remind the group that everyone has agreed to abide by this covenant in small group meetings

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